BDSM has come into the mainstream in both personal lives and in the media in the past few years. A lifestyle that was once the domain of a very small minority is now regarded as an almost acceptable part of normal couples sex lives. This is evident in the number of movies, books, tv shows and other media that are willing to introduce elements of BDSM into their regular fare offered to viewers and readers.
What has suffered in this transition from a little known and shadowy lifestyle choice to an everyday choice used my many couples to add a little zing to their private lives is the core of traditions and customs that for many years dominated the culture of the lifestyle and the people who moved within its circles.
Laying the Foundation
A bit of background and history is in order at this point. I was brought into the BDSM scene in a very traditional way. I was introduced to a small cadre of aficionados. At this time, in the mid to late 1970’s, the BDSM/leather scene was still a very small, very closed, and almost secretive group. This was especially true in the part of the country where I lived that would be considered in the middle of the conservative bible belt. This meant that the group to which I was introduced were interested in anonymity and structured themselves based on those needs.
My introduction was by way of a submissive with whom I was intimately acquainted. In time, I was gradually introduced to members of the group until a consensus was reached among them to bring me into the circle. I was then schooled, and that is a very appropriate term, in the traditions, customs, and requirements that their group demanded of all its members. That schooling is a story in and of itself, better told at a later time. Suffice it to say that the expectations were high to learn, acknowledge and follow the precepts that I was taught.
Traditions, Courtesy, and Safety
At the heart of the learning were the concepts of tradition, courtesy, safety, and respect. Very few of those who are considered the face of BDSM now have any inkling of the history, traditions and customs that were once associated with the BDSM/leather lifestyle. Those of use who have lived through these times are often referred to as “the old guard.” Most of us were the label with pride.
The group with which I was associated placed a high premium on courtesy and protocol. These days we would probably be called pretentious and, perhaps, even old-fashioned. Men referred to each other as Sir. Even the Dominant males routinely referred to each other as Sir. Female dominants were addressed as Ma’am, or Madame. The dress at our meetings and social occasions was always at least semi-formal. It was not unusual to see men in tuxedos and women in evening gowns, albeit with a turn toward erotic and dark.
Earned Respect
Respect was demanded in every way. But respect was earned not just expected. Of course, the dominants were expected to show respect for each other. The main difference that I see in many areas today is the respect shown to submissives as well. It was an atmosphere of civility and mutual respect that I seldom see anywhere in our society today.
Lastly, there was a huge focus on safety. Before a new dominant was ever given the opportunity to play with a submissive or to use an unfamiliar toy or piece of equipment, it was expected that they would experience the effects of the implement. In my case, more than once I was subject to taking strokes from a variety of whips, canes, floggers, and slappers. In fact, the first three months of my involvement with the group, my role was as a submissive to my female submissive partner. It gave me a very useful appreciation of a submissives point of view, expectations, and emotions.
A Community Based on Respect
The result of these traditions and expectations created a very tightknit community that were very familiar with each other and the expectations of the group. It gave the dominants a high degree of understanding of a submissives needs and experiences. The submissives were comfortable within the group and understood the dominant role as well. I suppose, looking back, it was a very artificial sort of reality, but it had its place and its purposes.
I am not saying that the progress of the lifestyle is all bad or that the changes have been for the worse. I do think there is something missing among many BDSM practitioners who have not had the experiences, training, and mentoring that I received. The more accepting nature of today’s society toward these alternate lifestyles is, to my mind, a very positive change.
Progress that May Not be Progress
However, there are some downsides. The loss of those traditions and customs has left the lifestyle a much more dangerous and less controlled place for many people. I have seen this at group functions where personalities, tempers, and the lack of common courtesy have resulted in some messy and ugly confrontations and situations.
Unfortunately, the genie is out of the bottle. As the lifestyle and community have grown, so has the inability for it to self-manage and self-police. Despite the best efforts of some individuals and some groups, it is almost impossible to maintain the t types of control that we once enjoyed. I do wish that more people who are attracted to the BDSM/Leather lifestyle would spend some time schooling themselves in the traditions and customs that define the history of our lifestyle.