Avoiding the Deadliest Problems
The advent of the internet, instant long-distance communication, and cell phones have opened a whole new world of relationships and models. It really doesn’t matter whether your relationship is a casual one based on friendship or shared interests, or a more intense relationship that, at least one of you, hopes will develop into a much closer and traditional situation.
These long-distance relationships offer many opportunities but also face several challenges. All too often these types of relationships fail for one or more reasons that the parties involved failed to understand and face. If you find yourself involved in a long distance relationship, there are some issues that you should address immediately and directly to set out some expectations, rules, and understandings to forestall any possible problems down the road.
Time
Time problems come in several different guises. Perhaps the most obvious is the problems that can be associated with dealing with time differences. If you are involved in a coast-to-coast relationship, time differences may not be as much of a problem. In North America, the difference between Eastern time and Pacific time is only 4 hours. This doesn’t sound like much, it can produce some situations the require both parties to adjust their schedules and their priorities.
For instance, if you plan on scheduling a regular evening call. The party on the east coast may go to bed at 10 pm. This puts the call at 6 pm for the person on the west coast which can conflict with dinner or other evening plans. Someone has to adjust their scheduling appropriately.
For intercontinental relationships, the time difference can force even more extreme requirements. The time difference between some in Texas and someone in the UK can vary between 5 and 6 hours. If one person is on the European continent, the time difference can be even greater. In extreme cases, the time difference can be 12 hours. Compensating for these time differences can be complicated.
Maintaining a long-distance relationship where time differences exist requires both parties to remain flexible, exercise some schedule adjusting measures, and be understanding of the other person’s needs.
Time Involvement
The other issue associated with time is determining how much time each partner can actually devote to the long-distance relationship. The expectations of each person must be well communicated and understood at the very beginning. One partner who expects hour by hour contact may have unrealistic
Setting out a realistic set of goals and priorities for time is a reasonable expectation. Knowing who will make contact, how often contact should be expected, and when contacts will be made are all reasonable accommodations that should be reached between the partners.
Intensity of Involvement and Consistent Communications
Expectations differ greatly between friendly relationships and those that are more intense with deeper levels of emotional involvement. Understanding, at any given time, where on the range of involvement you are can help you gauge expectations for communications and contact.
There are so many variations on long-distance relationships that it would be impossible to set out guidelines or checklists for each possibility. Suffice it to say that the more intense the relationship you can expect demands or expectations for regular, perhaps even scheduled, communications. This is especially true of BDSM relationships where Dominants may place requirements or have specific expectations of when, how, and how detailed communications from a submissive should occur.
In any case, common sense and good manners should prompt anyone involved in a long-distance affair to be regular and consistent in their communications simply for the mental and emotional well-being of their partner. A lack of communication or inconsistent communication often signals to a partner that the other has lost interest or that the partner finds the relationship unimportant and not worth the time to communicate.
Unmet Expectations
Expectations from all involved must be explicitly stated and known by everyone involved. Simply assuming that your partner knows your expectations is a good way to create major problems. If one partner has expectations that are unknown or beyond the knowledge of the other partner, the ultimate outcome is someone who feels shorted or unfulfilled.
Frank and positive discussions of such expectations should be part of any long-distance relationship. Nothing should be left undiscussed. Issues such as communications, short term plans, schedules, long term plans and goals should be understood by everyone. The goal is to be on the same page with every facet of your relationship.
Unmet expectations can become a breeding ground for resentment and frustration which can poison any relationship. However, discussions about expectations must be realistic. Don’t gloss over impediments to expectations. One of the biggest barriers to success in a long-distance relationship is the distance itself. It is often impossible for one or the other partner to travel the distances required to affect an in-person meeting or the travel imposes such hardships that it must be carefully planned, timed and timed.
Commitment
Commitment to a long-distance relationship usually doesn’t start to manifest until well down the road. Often, one or both of the partners will begin to question whether it is worthwhile to continue to battle the constant problems and issues involved in a long-distance relationship. This usually manifests in a loss of interest in the relationship evidenced by slowing communication, failure to meet schedules, or even complete abandonment.
Dealing with a loss of commitment can be one of the most difficult to overcome. In some cases, it is simply a matter of willpower. If the partner having commitment issues is truly devoted to the relationship, these issues may be dealt with on a personal basis. However, it is often the case that the partner must confide in their partner the problems they are experiencing. Together it may be possible to find solutions that can help with the problem.
The lack of regular opportunities to meet in person, to experience that intimacy and romance of touch can be a huge problem. One way to combat this lack is to keep personal involvement at a maximum. Don’t fall into the trap of only having contact for romantic or erotic play. Involve each other in regular activities. Share recreational time, family time, if possible, and interests in other activities. Keep communication regular and consistent. Falling into the trap of only one or two short sessions of contact per day is a sure way to seriously undermine a relationship. Many short messages are often more appreciated than one or two long messages. It is the concept of letting your partner know they are being thought of at all times.
Don’t rely only on online messaging. The sound of a voice makes a tremendous difference in how someone views the relationship. New technologies afford quick and easy ways to have audio conversations over the internet without great cost if there is any cost at all.
Visually, video phone calls are even better. While you may not be able to touch, you can at least see and hear your partner which gives a greater level of intimacy. Exchanging photos on a regular basis is also a good way to foster intimacy. These need not be erotic or arousing photos. Pictures of everyday activities help cement relationships. Don’t fall into the habit of sending pics of the places you visit or others with whom you socialize. Remember that your partner is interested in seeing you, not landscapes or your friends.
Engaging in these types of activities helps foster deeper emotional ties and keeps the excitement and interest alive. Commitment can easily wane if the only thing in which you engage is an occasional message on an impersonal text medium.
Long-Distance – A Challenge that Can be Overcome.
Many couples are successful in developing and maintaining a long-distance relationship. Largely, these couples develop coping skills and address problems head on rather than try to mask or hide problems or insecurities. These successful relationships are built through a dedication to the relationship, a genuine desire to be successful, and a willingness to work through problems and barriers. They use a variety of tools, tricks, and methods to fight the problems of consistency, time, and distance.